Dissonance
by ournoisyhearts
Summary: It's been exactly four hours and twenty-three minutes since Blaine Anderson stumbled away from his house and left him to stoically pack up the rest of his things and get on the I-70 towards New York, and the inside of Sebastian's chest still feels like someone took a sledgehammer to it. Seblaine. Accompaniment to 'Carry You Home Tonight.'


_notes- _So I know that if anyone's feeling like I am right now, they're still fragile from last night's episode and can't wrap their heads around much, but I finished this a few days ago and decided to finally post it. This accompanies my story _Carry You Home Tonight,_ which you should probably read if this is to make any sense.

* * *

**Dissonance**

* * *

"_It's going to hurt so fucking __bad_ _when you leave."_

Sebastian's fingers clench around the steering wheel, his knuckles growing white and his hands tightening to the point where it is almost painful. It's been exactly four hours and twenty-three minutes since Blaine Anderson stumbled away from his house and left him to stoically pack up the rest of his things and get on the I-70 towards New York, and the inside of his chest still feels like someone took a sledgehammer to it.

The state of Pennsylvania is an endless abyss before him, and he has one of his many mix CD's playing, the sound of some Matt Nathanson song he can't remember the name of filtering quietly throughout the car. This CD had been Blaine's favorite, the one he always forced Sebastian to put on whenever they drove somewhere together, and Sebastian's gaze suddenly grows blurry as he stares resolutely out at the road and tries to ignore the image of dark curls and red swim-trunks and a blinding smile tucked into the passenger seat, Blaine's voice murmuring along softly to the music.

"_You have quite the musical taste, you know," Blaine comments idly, and Sebastian pauses in his own barely-there humming to dart a quick glance over at the boy next to him. Blaine is smiling, his hair still dripping from their impromptu trip out to the river, and Sebastian's stomach refuses to settle, twisting up in knots and making it difficult to focus. He turns his eyes back to the road before reaching out with one hand to gently wipe away a smidge of water just below the shell of Blaine's ear with his thumb, fingers hesitating for a moment against the smooth skin of his neck._

"_I'll take that as a good thing," Sebastian finally replies, and he can feel Blaine's eyes on him, hears the soft huff of laughter that follows._

"_It was meant as a compliment," he clarifies._

_Returning his straying hand to the steering wheel, Sebastian allows his mouth to curve up into a grin. "Good, because if you ever insult my music, I'm kicking you out of this car."_

"_You wouldn't," Blaine retorts._

"_Try me."_

_Seconds later, the song changes, and Sebastian immediately reaches for the volume control to turn it up. The first few notes blare, and then Blaine is groaning loudly, the sound still hardly audible over the music._

"_No."_

"_Yes!" Sebastian calls out, and he begins crooning along to "Call Me Maybe" while Blaine sulks at his side. When he spares the boy another look, he catches the hint of a smile playing at Blaine's lips, and the sight only causes him to sing louder, his head bopping along to the song and his fingers tapping enthusiastically against the wheel._

"_You're ridiculous," Blaine eventually shouts over the music. _

_Sebastian tosses him a grin. "You love it."_

He has to stop the car a few moments later, the memory becoming too prominent to ignore, and as soon as he's pulled over to the shoulder of the road, he places his head in his hands and scrubs furiously at his stinging eyes. The ache won't fucking _fade,_ and he isn't supposed to be feeling like this. He just isn't. He is Sebastian Smythe, arrogant and handsome and apathetic, or at least he _was,_ before he learned what remorse felt like, and allowed Blaine Anderson to waltz in and take over his life and then rip it all away from him in one fell swoop.

And it hurts a lot more than he was expecting it to.

* * *

He wants to love Columbia, or perhaps even hate it, but instead he is stuck in this awkward, in-between place, where he likes it but can't help thinking that it would be so much better if _Blaine_ were there.

It's a thought process that's attached itself to everything about New York. The people? They're insane, and amazing, and eclectic, but none of them are Blaine. His classes? Intriguing, but he wants to snort about his crazy Psychology professor with Blaine and write his Lit 101 paper with Blaine at his side. His roommate? Polite, mostly normal. Eric is easygoing and nice enough, but he just isn't _Blaine._

Stupid Blaine.

And Sebastian knows that the object at the center of his thoughts is merely a phone call away, that he could just pick up the device or open his Skype and send Blaine a message, but something stops him. The doubt niggles at the back of his mind, prods at him and whispers, _maybe he just wants to move on. It would never work out, anyway._ Vaguely, Sebastian wonders if this is what had Blaine so consumed in the beginning, the worry and the anxiety and the _it's not going to last._ A part of him, probably more than he'd like to admit, is keen on the idea of letting Blaine go, because Sebastian is fucked up, and a mess, and not a very good person, and Blaine is bright and gorgeous and has an entire, amazing life ahead of him that Sebastian would only manage to complicate.

So he doesn't touch his phone unless absolutely needed and works to immerse himself in the college life, going to parties with Eric and navigating the city's subway system and holing up in the campus library to study. He ignores Nick and Jeff's feeble attempts at communication, answers his mother's e-mails in a stilted fashion, and deletes all of Cooper Anderson's text messages as soon as they arrive, no matter how cowardly it may be, all whilst pretending that it doesn't kill him whenever an update on Blaine's life back in Ohio appears on his facebook newsfeed.

By the time Thanksgiving rolls around, he is so completely determined to block Blaine Anderson out of his mind that spending the holiday in his dorm room almost seems worth it, until he glances out his window and spots the mobs of people milling about in the streets, leaving Sebastian feeling utterly alone.

* * *

It should be a surprise. New York is an enormous city, millions of people and places and things to see, and the odds of running into a familiar face are slim to none. Yet for some reason, when Kurt Hummel and Rachel Berry wander into the coffee shop that Sebastian frequents, he isn't even shocked. Not really.

On this particular day, he is seated at his regular table, a mocha placed in front of him as he skims through his philosophy textbook. The bell jingles as a few patrons walk through the door, and Sebastian looks up out of habit, prepared to return to his work before the sight truly comprehends and he finds himself staring.

Rachel's arm is linked through Kurt's, and they take their place in line while continuing whatever conversation they seem to be having in hushed voices. They both look older, hold their heads just a bit higher, move with a tad more finesse. Most of all, though, they seem...happy, content, secure in their friendship and at place in this random coffee shop in New York City.

Sebastian wonders if he'll ever feel that way.

His thoughts are interrupted as soon as he realizes that he has been caught, Kurt's eyes burning a line straight to his own, and Sebastian blinks, turns his head away slightly and picks up his drink. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see their heads duck together, knows that they are whispering about him. The coffee is still hot enough to leave a slight burn on his tongue, and Sebastian swallows a mouthful, reveling in the sting it leaves in the back of his throat.

Kurt is still watching him. Rachel has stepped up to the counter to order, but Kurt won't look away, and Sebastian eventually sets his cup back down and returns the stare, one of his eyebrows raising in question. It is a test, to see if Kurt will actually confront him, and moments later, he does, grabbing onto Rachel's arm and pulling her over towards Sebastian's table.

"Well, isn't this a pleasant surprise," Sebastian greets, leaning backwards in his chair slightly as he peers up at them. Kurt has his mouth pressed into a tight line, his arms folded, while Rachel gazes down at him through narrowed eyes. It's interesting to see them now, to feel the pure hatred that radiates off of them, after spending over a year re-shaping himself and trying to convince everyone that he _isn't_ the bad guy.

He'd forgotten that not everyone has been given the chance to witness it yet.

"I wish I could say the same," Kurt replies stiffly, and beside him, Rachel huffs, her lips twisting into a scowl.

"What are you doing here, Sebastian?" she asks.

Sebastian picks up his cup, lifting it in acknowledgement. "The beverages here are rather delicious, and I do go to school nearby, so it works out."

"You live here?" Kurt snaps.

"Last time I checked," Sebastian answers smoothly.

There is a lengthy pause, during which Sebastian can feel both of them assessing him, their eyes running over his facial expression, his clothes, the books laid out on the table in front of him. He imagines that he doesn't appear too threatening, because both of them seem to calm considerably, Kurt's shoulders loosening and Rachel's features losing some of their distaste. Still, they remain standing, keeping a fair amount of distance between themselves and the table, as if they might catch the evil just by being in Sebastian's general vicinity.

Sebastian eventually decides that the quiet has lasted long enough, and inquires, "So, what about you two? Scored any Broadway roles yet?"

The question seems to take them both by surprise, but Kurt is quick to recover, his face never faltering in its neutral appearance. "Not quite yet. We're both attending NYADA, though I have the feeling you were aware of that already."

Almost imperceptibly, Sebastian nods. "I'd heard. News travels awfully fast in Ohio, especially when Jeff is involved."

The mention of one of the Warblers causes Kurt to soften somewhat, and Sebastian watches as he shifts on his feet, his fingers curling into the pockets of his coat. "How is he doing?" he asks quietly. "I haven't spoken to him in awhile. Usually he's bombarding me with text messages."

"He's fine, I'm guessing. He and Nick are off in Chicago, but I don't talk with them much." _Even though they've tried,_ his mind supplies helpfully, but Sebastian pushes the thought away, buries it beneath the mountain of other things that he's been avoiding.

"I'm...sorry about the disqualification last year. I heard about it from Blaine," Kurt adds, somewhat awkwardly, and Sebastian merely shrugs his shoulders, attempts to hide the wince he makes at the mention of Blaine's name.

_Don't tell them. They don't want to know, they don't need to know—_

"You could call it karma, I suppose," Sebastian replies casually, "but it's alright. We've all come to terms with it, made our apologies..." (_again,_ his brain whispers) "and besides, the New Directions deserved another shot. It wasn't the end of the world."

Rachel's mouth drops open, rather ungracefully, and on any other occasion, Sebastian might laugh, but he knows that this is a side of him they have yet to see. It gives him an odd sense of power, like he may actually have the control to alter their perceptions of him, _really_ alter them, despite everything that has happened. And he can't help it, but he thinks about Blaine, and how easily their relationship had shifted back into something honest and genuine, and Sebastian is suddenly struck with the need to do the same thing here.

"That's very...chivalrous of you," Kurt declares.

"I guess you could say I turned over a new leaf," Sebastian responds.

"_I turned over a new leaf, remember? No more bullying, blackmail, or assault this year."_

"_That must be boring for you."_

"_Yeah, it is. Being nice sucks."_

"Do you mind if we sit?" Rachel interrupts, and Sebastian waves his hand absently at the chairs across from him before shutting his books and sliding them out of the way.

"Go ahead," he replies, and the two gingerly take a seat, Kurt's hands coming to fold neatly atop the table.

"I was actually wondering something," he admits after a moment, and Sebastian's head tips to one side, his eyes imploring. Rachel's eyebrows seem to furrow as well, and she darts a glances over at Kurt, whose expression gives away nothing other than the obvious discomfort the situation is causing him. Sebastian, meanwhile, isn't sure what to expect. There is an array of things Kurt could be curious about, from Sebastian's apparent change-of-heart to the lives of his old acquaintances back in Lima (_like Blaine,_ Sebastian's mind mutters traitorously), and he feels as if he should brace himself for whatever question is about to leave Kurt's mouth.

"I heard from Tina awhile ago, and she had mentioned that you and Blaine were hanging out again," Kurt says slowly, and Sebastian wants to open his mouth and protest, or even better, question why Kurt is interested in the situation when _he's the one who broke up with Blaine_—but Kurt barrels on before he can get a word in. "I'm really trying not to jump to conclusions right now, Sebastian, because you seem...genuinely different, but I just have to ask, because—well, it's Blaine. I do care about him."

Sebastian forces himself to take a steadying breath. _It's fine, you're fine. Just don't give too much away, don't think about it too much._ His chest still constricts painfully, and it is a struggle not to drop his own gaze to the table and avoid Kurt and Rachel's searching eyes.

"We hung out over the summer...a bit," Sebastian answers, "but I didn't—I wouldn't—I really did turn over a new leaf. You can ask Blaine, if you'd like, but it's not what you're suggesting. I promise."

Kurt's eyes narrow thoughtfully, as if he is fully aware that Sebastian is excluding some of the details, and Sebastian is floundering, because _how much had Tina told him?_

Thankfully, or perhaps not so, Rachel pipes in again, and Sebastian turns his gaze to her. "Speaking of Blaine...how is he?"

Sebastian swallows. Inhales, exhales, curls his fists against his thighs and stares out the window behind Rachel's head. "He's still in Ohio...things didn't work out exactly the way he was planning, but he's making the best of it, I'd assume."

"You two aren't talking anymore?" Kurt interjects, and Sebastian's stomach sinks, sinks, plummeting all the way to his feet. "Tina made it sound like you guys were close."

"It's...complicated," Sebastian mumbles. "I don't think I should—"

"Sebastian," Kurt interrupts again, an audible sigh escaping his lips. "Look, Tina told me everything, okay? And I was...angry. I'll admit it. I know that I had no right to be, because _I_ was the one who ended things, but the fact that it was you, of all people...you really hurt him. You really hurt all of us. Seeing you now, though..." he pauses, and Sebastian finds himself frozen as well, his eyes glued to the table. "I've heard a lot of things. Not just from Tina, but...from everyone. And it sounds like you made Blaine really, really happy for awhile. So why are you trying to mess that up?"

The question is exactly what Sebastian has been asking himself for months now, but to hear it out loud is a different story, one that leaves him consumed with guilt. It had seemed so necessary, at the time; he couldn't do anything to hold Blaine back, and Blaine couldn't do the same to him. Ending things had been the only option, but...now, as Kurt spells out his own mistakes for him, Sebastian can't help but become overwhelmed by regret. Couldn't he and Blaine have even stayed friends?

They couldn't have, Sebastian realizes, because it is suddenly startlingly clear to him that being "just friends" with Blaine had never been an option.

"Why are you trying to help me?" he asks, before he can stop himself, and Kurt just tilts his head.

"I told you, I care about Blaine, and if you care about him, too, then I don't see why I wouldn't."

* * *

**Sebastian Smythe **_is now friends with _**Kurt Hummel **_and _**Rachel Berry.**

* * *

The drive back to Westerville doesn't take long enough.

Sebastian has been giving himself a pep talk for weeks, formulating his plans for winter break and what he's going to say to Blaine and how he's going to say it—but now, as he passes into the city limits of Columbus, he realizes just how scared he really is. What if Blaine's moved on? What if he hates Sebastian? What if he's not even _in _Ohio anymore?

But both Kurt and Cooper had assured him that things would work out (yes, Cooper; Sebastian had finally given in and picked up his phone, and after exactly forty seven minutes of screaming and cursing, he'd somehow managed to get Cooper back on his side. _You're still a douchebag,_ Cooper had reminded him). All Sebastian has to do now is show up at Blaine's house and hope for the best, which in reality sounds simple enough. However, Sebastian can't help but be hesitant—it's been months, and although he's sure of his own feelings for Blaine, a part of him worries that those feelings might not be reciprocated anymore.

Luckily, Blaine ends up doing things for him.

Standing in the front hall of Sebastian's home, he is just as untainted and beautiful as Sebastian remembers, his cheeks pink from the cold and his curls sticking up wildly from his head. All Sebastian wants to do is pull him in, kiss him senseless and mutter soft nothings into his ear, memories of warm summer evenings and smooth, tanned skin running rampant through his mind, but he waits for Blaine to speak, and when he mentions Sebastian's journal, sounding so scared yet so hopeful at the same time, all Sebastian can do is smile in a manner that only ever seems to occur around Blaine and murmur, _we've got time._

* * *

"I'm sort of in love with you," Sebastian whispers into his boyfriend's hair, and he can feel it when Blaine smiles against the crook of his neck.

_fin_


End file.
